February 13, 2007

Expensive Ambivalence

Yesterday we handed over the big honkin check for shared risk. My clinic offers up to six fresh IVF cycles plus unlimited frozen for $20,000. It's a weird feeling, because obviously no one in their right mind would hand over that much money if they weren't hoping for results, but I still find it very difficult to get my hopes up. At the same time, you wouldn't do shared risk if you were pretty confident it would work on the first try. So naturally I'm prepared for a BFN (or two, or five). Although the thought of 6+ IVF cycles is DAUNTING. I was relieved to see in our contract we can still get our money back if we choose to withdraw. I don't plan to quit, but how do I know, for instance, that I'll be able to keep going after three fresh and five frozen cycles of disappointment?

The whole shared risk thing is a little strange. When I was in Vegas last week I was reminded that you never take the insurance when you're playing blackjack, because then you're essentially betting against yourself. Shared risk is kind of betting against my ovaries, which is probably a pretty good bet at this point! Either way we lose something--if it works on the first try we lost an unecessary $10,000, but if it doesn't work, well, we all know what's lost. In the end shared risk seemed worth it to me to have the financial concern taken care of for the near future.

I still really cannot imagine ever seeing two pink lines, my brain has simply shut off my ability to envision that. If I ever do get a positive beta (I say with great caution), I think I will go buy some HPTs (they've been banned from the house for a couple of years) just so I can pee on them and finally see what a posive test looks like, after all that time spent desperately searching the evaporation lines. So it's weird, I've signed over all this cash and officially committed to IVF, even though I'm still unwilling to believe in it.

Still I managed to get a little excited about my first Lupron shot this morning. Not because I was thinking about the potential outcome, but more just that I was glad to have things moving. I guess I'm mentally stuck in the process and not the result, which is maybe a good thing. I just feel kind of tired and blah about it all. Surely that's not the Lupron already. I suspect I'll KNOW when the Lurpon starts getting to me! No doubt everyone around me will too.


Baby Blues said...

It's such an expensive price to pay for something that should come naturally. It's so frustrating. But yes, I know it's rewarding enough to be moving on and know that we're actually doing something.
I hear you with the two pink lines. I think I'll faint with disbelief when I see it. Sometimes I'm afraid that I want and wish it so bad that the second line might turn up pink in my mind.

Susan said...

We did a shared risk thing, too. Ours offers only 4 for that price, but like you said, the thought of doing more than that is frightening. Anyway, we'll find out on Friday if the first one worked. I've never wanted to lose a "bet' (and $20,000) so badly!
Best of luck to you in this cycle

Kris said...

Thanks for your kind words on my recent post.

I wish we had the option of shared risk... I always thought that if I did manage to have success the first try I wouldn't care about the money it cost. Good luck with the cycle.

Watson said...

Good luck with the Lupron, you must keep us updated because I'll be starting in a couple of weeks (she says selfishly!).

And my shared risk is about that much, with only ONE fresh and as many FETs as there are good quality embies that freeze well, so what a crapshoot THAT is!

OH! And at my age I only get 70% back if it doesn't work, so there's not a whole lot of equal 'sharing' going on...


Sara said...

Six rounds for $20,000 is a great deal. Granted, one round for $20,000 isn't such a great deal, but if you get pregnant on the first round, hopefully you'll be so happy you won't care about the money.

It does really stink that we have to pay so much for something that most people get for free. Still, once you make that decision, it feels good to get on with it, doesn't it?

Good luck with it all!

Sarah said...

yeah, i won't be at all upset about spending the extra money if we get pg on the first go. it's not the money that's bothering me, it's that i still can't seem to believe in it, and it was just an odd feeling to hand over that kind of money for something that i can no longer imagine ever being real.

thanks for all the goodluck wishes!

Anonymous said...

Does the $20K include drugs or are they additional?

Right now, we are paying $7K for one ICSI cycle, plus drugs. Each cycle will run between $10-12K.

Also, do you have your RSS feed turned on? I can't pick you up on bloglines.

Sarah said...

The $20k does NOT include drugs. $7k for one ICSI cycle sounds like a great price! i'm not doing ICSI, but i know my clinic charges $11k, dropping down to $9,600/cycle for three or more.

RSS is now on. thanks!