March 30, 2007

You Absolutely MUST Check It Out


They are all amazing. This one made me cry for the first time in like three years. Okay now that I've seen them all, a couple of others made me cry too, but they're all fantastic. Check it out if you haven't already.

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And while I'm linking, here's another good one. If you want to know what it really feels like to be infertile, check out this post by TeamWinks. I warn you, it's not pretty.

Happy Friday

Baby Blues recently posted her tarot card reading, which seemed, at the very least, entertaining. Waiting around for Monday's scan is tiresome, and checking out what's happening in the blogosphere every two minutes is not making it go by any faster. So I decided to try this (very silly) online tarot reading:

You Are The High Priestess

You represent mystery - secrets that are yet to be revealed. You find yourself sitting between two worlds: one dark, one light. You tend to hold these two worlds in balance, reconciling the two. Open and welcoming, you invite others to learn your secrets.

Your fortune:
Something hidden, or latent, in your life is about to come forward. You need to pay more attention to your dreams, thoughts, intuition, and imagination. And if that involves tapping into your dark side, it will all balance out in the end. You have a lot of potential dying to be unleashed, so let those gates open!


Many of you have commented on how I balance staying positive with where things are today while keeping hopes in check, expectations low, and remaining aware of the many outcomes this cycle could still have. It is not an approach I have cultivated. It's not what I try to do. It's just my reality. It's where my journey has brought me so far. I guess it's just the coping mechanism that was turned on at some point over the last four and half years. I am the high priestess. I am all about balance. (Coincidentally, I am also a Libra, suppossedly the sign of balance).

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Well crap, I couldn't just stop at one, not after I saw this quiz thingy:

You Will Be a Cool Parent

You seem to naturally know a lot about parenting, and you know what kids need. You can tell when it's time to let kids off the hook, and when it's time to lay down the law. While your parenting is modern and hip, it's not over the top. You know that there's nothing cool about a parent who acts like a teenager... or a drill sergeant!


I'm so glad the blogthings approve. Flattering as the result is, I have to say there were absolutely no questions in this quiz representing serious parenting challenges. Hilariously, the very first question is: "Let's say you're in your 40s with teenage kids. How do you imagine yourself dressing on the weekends?" Hahahahahahaha!!! I'm hoping to have teens by the time I'm in my 60's.

And by the way, my pimp name is Sexxie Trickz.

Happy Friday, y'all.

March 29, 2007

More Waiting

I miss having a beta every other day. But I'm half way through the 1ww until the scan on Monday. Sometimes I'm good at not thinking about it. There's nothing I can do but wait anyway. But I'm also starting to get nervous about it. Just like I was convinced I'd never get a positive hpt, I am convinced there will not be anything on the screen when they probe around for the sac. I just can't imagine it. I guess that's my way of preparing myself for major disappointment.

Symptoms are coming and going and changing. I know this is normal and for the most part I don't obsess over it. I just really feel like I'm about to get my period, which makes me think my uterus is ready to dispense with whatever is/was going on in there if it weren't for the progesterone keeping it all nice and plump. It is not the same kind of cramping/stretching/growing feeling of a week or two ago. I had a week or so of queasiness and feeling very particular about what I ate, but that's gone. The massive boob pain comes and goes but is absent more than present. I'm nowhere near as tired. But I also have fun new skin blemishes telling me my hormones are still up to something. I just don't know. I really am trying not to read into this, but for those who have asked for updates, that's what's going on.

If things are still going along as they should, here is what the embryo(s) are up to now: Visible Embryo: Stage 12. It's pretty freaky looking. If it's growing, such massively important things are going on in there now, with the brain, spine, heart, etc. It's weird trying to be conscious of that and eat healthy and so on while at the same time feeling rather doubtful that we're going to see anything at the scan. The thing about waiting to find out if you are (still) pregnant, is that you absolutely can not have a drink at a time when you absolutely would love to have one.

March 26, 2007

Five Weeks and Still Counting

I find it hilarious that someone recently visited my blog after a keyword search for "smiley sticky baby dust." Unless they typed that in with a deep sense of sarcasm and a smidge of irony, they surely did not find what they were looking for. No doubt this search led them directly to my posts about the Annoying Pregnant Newbie (APN) who bugs me on the fertility boards, and to all your comments about how people who spew baby dust everywhere should choke on it and die.

Okay most of you were not that extreme, but the thing is, most of us in blogland are just in a different place than the newcomers on the boards. I have solidly arrived at stage five (Acceptance) according to Judi Corbett's Five Stages of Grieving the Loss of Infertility. Unfortunate as it is that we've had to continue to deal with infertility until it made us jaded and cynical, I am really glad I'm not in that perky, sparkly, baby-dusty place. Here's why.

In my buddy group, APN was the first to go through IVF, and as you all know she's pregnant (now 9 weeks). Another girl (we'll call her Bambi, because you know how they all have those fluffy adorable doe-eyed names), and I cycled next, at about the same time. We both got bfp's on the same day. So amazingly, our group was 3 for 3 on IVF #1. I really couldn't believe it because in blogland, virtually no one seems to get pregnant on #1. The first-hand accounts that introduced me to IVF were Julie's and Tertia's, so I was prepared for something like 5-10 tries over several years, with all sorts of horrible events in between.

So our luck in this group seemed way too good to be true and I felt sure it wouldn't last, but the other girls were saying things like: See, you just have to think positive and it will happen for you too! And now the bad news hits: Bambi's beta did not double. It is slightly lower than it was two days before, and very low for the number of days since retrieval. And her reaction: I can't believe this is happening to me! I am totally freaking out! What do you guys think, do I still have a chance?

I hope she does have a chance, but we cynical gals here in blogland know she probably doesn't. I feel really horrible for her. It is just absolutely gut wrenching to have such high hopes crushed like that. She was so excited. She made her pregnancy ticker on the very day of her first positive hpt and has been talking due dates and registry items and maternity shopping ever since. I want to be very clear that I'm not glad this happened so we can all learn our lesson or anything like that. I very much wish none of us had to go through any of this.

But it does make me appreciate my jaded and cynical position. If I get the news one of these days that my beta is shrinking, or there is no sac, or there is no heartbeat, or at whatever point the bad news comes, I will never say I can't believe this is happening to me. Infertility is something that has been happening to me for quite a long time now. I have no illusions that I will be totally protected from it hurting when and if I get bad news; one of the shitty things about infertility is that we often have to go through some form of the whole grieving process with each failed cycle. It's just that I don't think I have quite as far to fall anymore. In fact, every time I get good news, it takes me aback and I get the distinct feeling that I can't believe this is happening to me.

Today, the good news is that my beta is still increasing. It's now 2887 at 23dpER. The doubling rate has slowed a bit from 1.76 days to 2.20 days, but I'm not going to obsess over that, I know it is normal for it to slow as it increases. Today I am pregnant. Tomorrow I might not be. But I'm happy about today. Next appointment is the scan in one week.

March 24, 2007

Deep Breath, Huge Sign of Relief

Nurse just called with second beta. I thought I was going to pass out when I saw her on the caller ID. It took me a moment to answer the phone. I was terrified. Thankfully, as soon as I answer she says: "You're looking good." Whew. Beta is up to 1124.

At 20dpER, that's still solidly in the median for a singleton. According to betabase, the median for multiples would be 1776 at this point. For those who've noticed my betas seem a little high, it's because my first beta was scheduled later than what many clinics do (18dpER). A lot of you seem to get to test around 15dpER, when the median singleton beta is down in the 100's (as opposed to 529 for 18dpER).

My doubling time is 1.76 days, which is great. Next beta is Monday. First scan would be a week later on 4/2.

March 21, 2007

Woohoo!!! *UPDATED*

Three things I'm happy about:

1) No more PIO shots! No matter what happens with Beta tomorrow, I've done my last PIO shot for this cycle. If it's positive, I switch to Crinone gel. My ass is so grateful.

2) I tested again this morning, just so I know before Beta if there's a fading line. It's still there, and it's a little darker. I'm still ridiculously nervous. I'm sure I won't get any sleep tonight.

3) Your comments on my positive hpt were amazing. The whole thing feels so surreal and all the congratulations and encouragement have meant the world to me. I feel like I just keep thanking people and I hope it's not starting to sound trite, but I appreciate it more than I can tell you. Thank you all!

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UPDATE:
My nurse just called with the beta. It's 512. Anything can still happen and she confirmed that the live birth rate with rescue ICSI is not great, but she was very optomistic about the beta. I checked betabase and this is just about the median for a singleton at this stage, though of course actual hcg levels vary enormously in women, so the more important factor is how much it increases in the next few days. I test again on Friday. If it looks good, my first scan would be April 2nd.

March 20, 2007

"So You're Telling Me There's a Chance!"*

I peed. It's positive. I can't freaking believe it. I never thought I would see two lines in my life. I'm excited, but mainly a little stunned. I actually went back to double check and make sure that two lines didn't mean NOT pregnant. As if I could get that confused after the millions of hpts I've peed on in the last five years.

Yesterday I had major cramps and a tiny bit of spotting. Despite the fact that my ET discharge instructions say this is normal and doesn't mean that you are or are not pregnant, I was convinced it didn't feel normal. I had always planned to test this morning anyway, at 10dp6dt (it's been 17 days since the hcg shot, so I'm sure that's not a factor). But then I woke up at 2am with this strong feeling that I'm pregnant. You all know how far that is from my normal waking feelings about this, so that got my attention. Somehow I managed to fall back asleep, and when I finally got up to go pee on my stick, I felt nauseous and extremely full. And then the two lines.

So I know I've mentioned the fact that the pregnancy rate for rescue ICSI is 15% but the live birth rate is 7%, meaning there's still a good chance it may not be viable. This is where my one-step-at-a-time philosophy comes in really handy. I've said before that after all the years of disappointments, I have a really hard time imaging the end result. I just don't let myself go there. Some people think I sound gloomy about it, but I'm not really. I just focus on each little step in the process. I've been happy when there was good progress, and disappointed when there were set backs, but trying to think long term is just too overwhelming. So for now, I'm surprisingly unworried about that 50/50 chance of miscarriage. No doubt I will spend plenty of time being worried. This is just the beginning. There's a long way to go. For now, I'm happy with the beginning.

*PS - A huge heartfelt thank you for all the encouraging comments on my last post, and for all the thoughts and well-wishes along the way. So many of your comments have helped more than I can describe, and your support means so much.

March 17, 2007

Not So Good

1. My cycle buddy Val had her Beta yesterday. BFN. She was expecting it, but it's sad nonetheless.

2. I know I am suppossed to stay away from Dr. Google, but I found another study yesterday about our rescue ICSI situation, this one conducted and published by my clinic. The live birth rate was 7%. At first I was a little excited, because this is way higher than the less than 1% I was finding elsewhere, but then I realized how silly it is to be excited about 7% odds.

3. I had been thinking this cycle was going pretty well as far as side effects (especially those nasty psycho emotional ones). Until now. I guess it is the progesterone and estrogen stage that gets to me more than the stims. Or maybe it is the evil 2ww.

4. I'm 7dp6dt and I'm ready to trade in my nightly PIO shots for a shot of something else. Let's make it Jameson's for St. Patrick's Day.

Oh and one last thing, can anyone please tell me if I am the only idiot in blogland who sometimes has to enter those little verification letters like 3 or 4 times before I get it right and my comment is accepted??

March 14, 2007

Shuffling through the Wait

Okay, I've come up with a lighter way to pass the wait than obsessively googling. Anyone else out there who is in serious denial about their age and, like me, has a myspace page has seen this before. I present the infertility version of the shuffle game. What you do is set your music player to shuffle. Skip through your randomized playlist, and each consecutive song that comes up is the answer to the following questions in order. I tried to get inspiration from some of the recent topics in blogland, but I'm sure someone else out there can come up with some better questions:

1. The song for the you that existed before you ever thought about your fertility:
When You Were Mine - Prince (ha! before my RE owned me)

2. Would you really want to go back and be that person again?
I'll Be Home for Christmas - Doris Day (nostalgic, i guess?)

3. The song for when you first started fertility treatments:
Boogie on Reggae Woman - Stevie Wonder (I wouldn't say I was all that enthusiastic)

4. What did infertility do to your sex life?
You Sexy Thing - Hot Chocolate (by the way, this is the "I believe in miracles" song - not so much!!!!)

5. What about superstitions and fertility rituals?
Saturday Night Fish Fry - Louie Jordan (ooh, i haven't tried that one yet)

6. How about "alternative" treatments, from cough syrup and pineapple to accupuncture and 'body workers'?
Cash Machine - Hard-Fi (haha, waste of money? btw, this is that song about the guy who accidentally knocks up his GF but he can't handle the responsibility so he abandons her. NICE. this was definitely meant for somone else's fertility playlist.)

7. How do you feel about coming out of the IF closet?
The Humpty Dance - Digital Underground (i guess that fits, i've been much more public about it lately. kind of embarrassing that i have this in my itunes though)

8. Your song for other people's baby showers:
Chocolate - Snow Patrol (eat lots of chocolate and you'll be fine)

9. What about our scary friend hope?
Someday - Shawn Colvin (still scary)

10. And lastly, the theme song of your fertility journey:
Do That Stuff - Parliament Funkadelic (song about people partying on a hill while waiting for the A-bomb? Do that stuff, just do that stuff. Gotta get more of that funky stuff. No idea what this means, but i like it)

I swear I did not cheat on any of them. I'm looking forward to seeing what you guys come up with, so feel free to copy and repost with your own songs. Y'all don't mind if I do this 15 more times during the 2ww do you?

March 12, 2007

Dr. Google Creates a Monster

My sister, who knows I try to be realistic and keep hopes at bay, recently asked me how it's possible not to get my hopes up when things seem to be going reasonably well. Well the fact is sometimes I am hopeful, but in a really distant, detached kind of way. Here's the kind of information that helps depress those hopes:

"In conclusion, rescue ICSI, although resulting in fertilization, gives very poor results in terms of pregnancy. Prolonged incubation of oocytes presumably affects the developmental capacity of the embryo. Based on our experience, rescue ICSI of unfertilized oocytes after IVF does not seem to be worthwhile."

You all may remember that we had a lovely number of eggs retrieved (18) and a very good contribution from my husband, but none fertilized overnight. The next day they did recue ICSI resulting in 12 embryos, of which nine were doing well enough over the next few days to recommend a 5dt. But on transfer day, I was bummed that of the five that made it to blasts, none were of suitable quality for freezing. We transferred two in, but they would not have been freezable either so I'm not sure how great they were.

After reading the study above that makes sense. I had also read that many of the problems likely to cause the failure to fertilize are chromosomal, so I was already worried we were dealing with problematic seeds to begin with. And then there was that concern I read about assisted hatching causing conjoined twins and other developmental abnormalities. Oh yeah, and that thing I read about chromosomal abnormalities associated with just regular ICSI (though I know it works for people all the time).

It just seems like a lot of potential problems piling up, and I know the more micromanipulation techniques are employed, the greater the risks are. I feel like we're destined to be creating a chromosomal monster, although in the study referenced at the top, there were no live births from all 120 rescue ICSI cases in the study, so I probably don't need to be too worried about creating a monster that will be around for very long.

I know I need to stay away from Dr. Google, and I know I need to try not to think about it and just wait for beta and see what happens. There is nothing else I can do, nothing else we can control. Anyone who tells me to just think positive and this will all be okay, however, will be shot.

March 10, 2007

Ciao Baby just posted the story of a very traumatic retrieval yesterday. Let's send her all our thoughts and well wishes.

March 9, 2007

May The Force Be With Us

Well we transferred two in and it went fine. Of the nine embryos, only five had made it to blastocyst today. A few stopped growing but some others may get there a little slower. None are currently suitable for freezing, but they'll keep watching them and I'll find out Monday if any made it to freezable quality (a la Han Solo).

It's kind of disappointing to hear there might not be any to freeze after such positive reports about the nine over the past few days, but it just makes me feel even better that we were able to do the 5 day transfer and have a chance to see which ones are strongest.

Also I didn't realize that Assisted Hatching was standard protocol after a rescue ICSI. I assume they do this in case the problem that caused the eggs not to fertilize to begin with would prevent the embryos from hatching as they should on day 6 (tomorrow), which needs to happen before they can implant.

Thank you all so much for your support and well wishes. I hope my embryos are as good to me as you all have been! Beta is on 3/21.

March 8, 2007

Still Got Nine Lives

Nine are still growing, so we're all set for transfer tomorrow. The only remaining maybe is that I've got a mild case of OHSS, but that should be manageable with rest, protein, and fluids. So most likely tomorrow I will finally be joining my buddy Valerie in the now-somewhat-shorter-but-none-the-less-dreaded wait.

In preparation of that, for my friends and family who may be tempted to ask me if I'm feeling anything, don't bother. Here is the list of symptoms I already have, even before transfer:

- A feeling of fullness in my abdomen that becomes more uncomfortable every day

- Weight gain: I lost 15 pounds after quitting fertility treatments last year, and I've gained half of it back in three weeks of IVF

- Slight nausea, especially after eating, or feeling too full to eat even when I'm hungry

- Faint or dizzy feeling

- Major fatigue

- Dehydration

- HUGE (okay, relatively speaking) boobs that are VERY sore

- Difficulty sleeping (mainly because the PIO makes it hard to get comfortable)

- Serious hot flashes


I'm sure there are other things I'm not thinking of right now, but you get the point. The progesterone and estrogen we take each cycle are the very same hormones that cause the symptoms of early pregnancy, so for me anyway, they're always there at the end of each ART cycle and there's really no point in looking for symptoms.

However, if I'd been paying closer attention, I might have noticed that several of these were a little more intense this time, and are symptoms of OHSS. The grand irony of that is that if I had listened to Annoying Pregnant Newbie, who was telling me to drink Gatorade and protein shakes every day, I might not be feeling so crappy right now. But of course there was NO WAY I was going to follow her advice...

March 7, 2007

APN Strikes Again

For anyone who was wondering, the "babydust" commenter on yesterday's post calling themselves "annoying pregnant newbie" was neither a newbie, nor pregnant. That was my jackass husband who is, in fact, annoying! But I gotta love him for finding the humor in the whole thing.

The latest from the real Annoying Pregnant Newbie (just think positive!):
The PIO shots make me as giddy as if I were on drugs! I have been in the BEST mood this past month! I guess Progesterone just really alters your mood. Woohoo!! I don't know if I want to stop taking the PIO!! (smily face)

Umm....PIO sucks by the way. It just figures this chick would love her PIO, since PIO is the bane of my existence and she obviously exists just to irritate me. (For my real life friends, PIO is progesterone in thick oil, which you inject into your ass every night using a gigantic 4" needle, diameter of a fire hose. Not cool.) Do you think, maybe, that she's in the BEST mood because she's, uh, pregnant? Dumbass. No reasonable person would WANT to keep taking these shots. Do you think she's just trying to be positive?

Limping off to transfer now. Or not. Just got the call. Three of the 12 are not growing, but the other nine look "fantastic" so I've been moved to 5 day transfer (Friday).

March 6, 2007

Transfer Tomorrow (Maybe)

Sometimes my RE just needs to try to speak regular English. Here is my interpreation of today's report:

We still have 12 embryos. Most of them look pretty good. A few are not so good. A couple are excellent. At this point, she recommends transferring two in tomorrow. Tomorrow morning, if there are a "good number" that look "uniformly gorgeous" they may push me back to Friday, but for now we plan on transferring tomorrow. Right now there are not enough in the excellent category that they are confident saying we should wait for a 5dt. There were no firm grading categories or specific counts per category as some clinics seem to give. Which is fine, I understand this isn't a precise science.

So I'm happy. I had hoped to transfer on Friday just because the work week would have been easier (and the 2ww shorter), but this will be fine. I'm excited that she wants to transfer two, because she intially kept telling me that ideally they would only want to transfer one. I know this means she has slightly less confidence in them, but I just feel better about giving two a shot after everything it took to get the 12.

And of course we're glad we've still got our dozen eggs. Funnily enough, when we saw that lame movie, Cheaper by the Dozen, (embarassing, I know, it came on TV and we were too lazy to change the channel), J said something like: wouldn't it be cool to have 12 kids? This was, of course, BEFORE. But for today, he gets his wish.

March 5, 2007

IRRITATING!

Okay I'm just going to bitch about this here so I don't have to go shove a box of baby dust up this girl's ass. Remember that annoying pregnant newbie I posted about a while ago? The girl who's pregnancy I am VERY happy for, but who is buggin the shit out of me with her lectures that I "just think positive and it will happen for me too!"

So when I told the buddy group on that board about my 12 fertilized embryos, she says to me:
I know that you're still nervous (I'M still nervous and I'm pregnant!), but think positive; seriously, if you say, "I'm going to be pregnant", you will feel so much better. You have to really try to believe it. I just know that you are going to be pregnant soon, I just know it. Really? How do you know?

And then in a whole 'nother annoying message before I even had time to see the first one:
I know it sounds crazy, but just say affirmations every day--"I AM pregnant!!!/OR "I AM going to be pregnant!" It helps SO much with keeping you positive--it's not good to be stressed out when you're trying to get pregnant, but you all already know that! Just stay positive; I know you don't want to get your hopes up, but be positive!! (smiley face, smiley face, another-frickin-stupid-smiley face)

Of course her signature line has a million little blinkies in it saying: 'BFP!!' and 'Preggo after IVF!!' and, in case no one noticed: 'I'm Pregnant!' Another one for her due date, a counter for days and weeks remaining. All SUPER cutesy. There's baby dust freaking EVERYwhere.
It's dumb how much this bugs me. I should just quit visiting the boards, but I feel some obligation to try to be helpful there because they were such a help to me in the beginning. I totally appreciate her positive thoughts, but I just can't stand people who preach to me and try to tell me what to think. I'm so glad she feels that her positive attitude helped her out, but my attitude is NOT the problem. And it's not like I'm all stressed out or gloomy about it. For me, it just helps to keep a healthy dose of reality.

Ugh, whatever. I'm over it. I just had to rant here before I posted some nasty reply back to her.

In other news, we have a new blogger to welcome, please visit conflicted, who seems to be similarly unfond of the boards.

Still in the Game

So, with the rescue ICSI, 12 of the 16 remaining viable eggs fertilized. So far no grading or word on quality; we'll hear more tomorrow. Day 1 is pushed back to today, so, if things continue to go well, we're looking at transfer on Wednesday or Friday.

My fears about the chromosomal abnormalities that can occur with ICSI were probably unwarranted. Those problems have really only been observed when severe male factor issues are present, and since all of our SA's have been very good so far, there doesn't seem to be reason to be concerned. Still I can't help thinking there must be something wrong with those boys if they didn't do their job, right?

I'm just gonna try to be happy about my 12 embies for now.

March 4, 2007

Not So Unexplained Afterall

Just got the call on the "fertilization" report. All 18 eggs were placed with 50-100,000 sperm each. None fertilized overnight. Today they will try rescue ICSI with the 16 mature eggs that still look good.

There are loads of things that can cause this to happen, but most likely there is a problem with the sperm's ability to recognize the molecules on the surface of the egg which tell them to attach, or with the recognition molecules on the surface of the egg. For whatever reason, the eggs and sperm just don't interact in the right way. We had a good laugh about that because he has said in the past " I think my guys just want to lay on the couch and watch TV." Apparently that's what's happening. If you knew him, you would know how hilarious that is.

In a weird way, it's nice to feel like we finally know what's going on, especially since it's something that could be easily overcome with ICSI. Hopefully.

March 3, 2007

18 Eggs Retrieved!

This surpasses my highest hopes. I thought maybe 5 or 6, but secretely have been harboring the fear that all the follicles we've monitored over the years were actually empty all along. Big time painfull cramps though, so more later. Thanks to all who've extended your hopes and wishes, it means the world to me!

March 1, 2007

The Icing


Well you guys will be glad to know that when the nurse called with my trigger instructions, I whined about the intramuscular hcg shot and she gave me an ovidrel prescription instead, so I just had one last belly shot last night and am enjoying my day off! No shots, no appointments, until ER at 9:45 tomorrow morning.

While waiting around for that, I came across this:
An initiative has been introduced in the U.S. state of Washington that would require a married couple to have children within three years, or else their marriage would become void.

This is not meant to be taken seriously, but rather to point out the flaws in the arguments against gay marriage, and by having the law striken as unconsitutional, support the legal case for gay marriage rights. As the founder of the group supporting the measure puts it:

‘For many years, social conservatives have claimed that marriage exists solely for the purpose of procreation. The time has come for these conservatives to be dosed with their own medicine. If same-sex couples should be barred from marriage because they can not have children together, it follows that all couples who cannot or will not have children together should equally be barred from marriage.’

I'm sure I'll offend some people with my very strong stance in favor of gay marriage rights, but I actually find this whole idea HILARIOUS. It's just the icing on my gigantic, many-layered, sloppy, gloppy, fertility cake.

Hmm...donuts, ice cream, cake... does anyone else notice a theme in my post pics?

Triggering Tonight

Am I the only person who's kind of excited about this ice cream thing? I mean, I'm not expecting to be cured or anything, I'm just really happy to have the excuse to up my ice cream intake!

Follicle check this morning was, umm, promising. I don't quite know how to handle the comments actually. As soon as they started, the doc said "Wow, lining looks great!" And the sonographer says "We luuuve this lining." Then she scans over to the right ovary and the doc says "And we LOVE those follicles too, wow." They scan around, take the measurements, and continue saying things look great and probably trigger tonight, etc. He leaves and she says "You've GOTTA be making a baby with some of those. You could probably complete your whole family with these follicles. Are you thinking about freezing, because it looks like you're going to have a lot of great ones."

I have really tried to moderate my expecations but I fear all these encouraging words are starting to get my hopes up. I'm just so afraid of the crush. When she says "a lot," she probably means 10-12. And I've known of plenty of women with 10-12 good follies who only produced half as many eggs. And even fewer fertilize. And even fewer make it to day 3 or 5. And does it really matter how many anyway? Because we're only going to put one (maybe two) back in and none of this promising looking u/s says anything about how well they're going to stick.

I have to go back to my theory of taking each step at a time and not looking too far ahead. I am happy that things look good today. I hope there is just as much reason for my docs to be optimistic over the next several days. But I still feel the need to keep telling myself none of this is any guarantee. Now I just need to brace myself for the trigger shot--for some reason they're making me do the hcg IM instead of ovidrel. Time to go eat some ice cream.