April 2, 2007

The Scan: Taking it With a Grain of Rice

Yesterday my symptoms came back at full power. Super tired, bionic sense of smell, massive boob pain, not so much nausea as a very particular stomach. Probably other things I don't remember right now because I'm so freaking tired. Point being I felt pregnant again. I even caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror and thought I looked pregnant (okay so at 6 weeks that just means I have a pot belly, but still).

Then last night I was awake staring at the ceiling all night. Flopping around like a freshly caught fish. I knew I wouldn't sleep before the scan but I wasn't even thinking about it; my mind was just racing. I kept thinking about bad things I've done in my life and thinking I don't deserve it and wondering if the pregnancy symptoms were just back as one last cruel April fool's joke before the scan revealed there was nothing there. We all know how the fertility gods like to fuck with us.

But of course I know that being a good person is not what gets you pregnant. Otherwise my wonderful fellow bloggers like Reality and Serenity would not have to continue to struggle, because clearly they are amazingly deserving people. Not to single them out particularly, all the struggling infertiles out there deserve it, just their recent difficult cycles happen to come to mind at the moment. And I'm also aware that wretched people get pregnant all the time too.

So far my sins have not yet done me in. The scan went fine. We saw a heartbeat. Everyone says this is such an amazing moment, but I just can't even absorb it. To be honest, I am more terrified than ever. If I lose the pregnancy now it will be so much harder than just another failed cycle. Now it is real. Sort of. Except it doesn't feel real at all. It was cool to see though. It looked just like a little grain of rice, with a steady, strong throbbing near the middle.

And I got some good news - I no longer have to worry about the long odds of the rescue ICSI procedure. My chances now are just the same as anyone else at six weeks. Of course I know these next few weeks are the most common times to lose a pregnancy, so I'm still terrified. But it's good to know that I'm no less pregnant than anyone else six weeks along; a relief after a month of knowing what a longshot we had due to the rescue. And I'm never going to have a baby without first going through these first few scary months. The only way to get to the end is to start at the beginning. But the beginning is scary as hell.

25 comments:

Barbie said...

This is such exciting news!! I am so happy for you and Jay. Babies, fetuses, what have you are very resilient, and seeing the heartbeat is such a big step!! With my first pregnancy there we never saw one and then even with all the problems I've had this time around, he has stuck through it! I know how nervous you must be but definitely enjoy today! YEA!!

Carol said...

Wonderful news about seeing the heartbeat! congratulations!

Becks said...

Really pleased for you!!!

Your Adoring Mom said...

Beside oneself with love and glee; then calm as a cucumber -- wait and see. Terror and unmitigated joy. That's motherhood. You were certainly worth it!

Reproductive Jeans said...

Oh yay! I am so glad things are on the right track for you!! Enjoy the positives and let the "p" word roll of your tounge!

serenity said...

Oh YAY sarah I am SO FREAKING happy that you had a good scan today. YAY!!!! :)

And IMO (though I know you didn't ask for assvice) - infertility isn't caused by karma or put on you as punishment for the bad things you've done. It just is.

You SO deserve to use that P word - you go hon! I have all my fingers crossed that things continue to go well.

Zephra said...

This comment is from my sister Val but her internet was down so she called me to read your post to her over the phone and she could just not wait to comment. She is so very happy for you and she sends you good wishes for your future little one.

Kate said...

Oh, Sarah, that is the best news! Yay, so excited for you. Glad you are feeling good about your chances. I may dare to say that your chances are even better than for many others at six weeks. I have read somewhere recently that once the heartbeat is detected on the u/s, your chances of m/c drop significantly. And many women don't get an u/s at six week--so I would say you are ahead of the game. Of couse, this doesn't wipe your risk slate clean (what does, really?), but this is such good news.

And I completely agree with you that karma has nothing to do with this. This has nothing to do with deserving. We all deserve to have our babies the easy way. But it just doesn't work like that--and that sucks. There are so many amazing women out there who deserve this so much more than I do. And it is just so unfair.

megan said...

it *IS* good to know that you're no less pregnant than anyone else six weeks along...congrats on a great scan!

Lindsey said...

Wow! I'm so glad you had a heartbeat and a grain of rice. :) So very glad. And I'm also relieved to hear that the rescue ICSI should no longer be a variable. Cross that one off the list. You are right about this getting scarier, but it only gets scarier because your odds of making it to the end are getting better. They are getting better and better every single day.
And by the way, your Karma is so good that even despite the lack of fertilization and rescue ICSI, you overcome that odd. That's karma.
It's time for all that good stuff to come full circle.

Bumble said...

Wow Sarah! A heartbeat!!! Congrats girl! You do desrve this, you really do. Any chance of a pic of your little rice grain?

Sticky Bun said...

Hurrah! Congratulations!

I don't blame you for being slow to absorb it...but try to soak it in! This is a huge hurdle! And it's so wonderful that you're past the ICSI stats! Congrats! Congrats! Congrats!

Tam said...

That is just such cool news Sarah, I am so so happy for you. Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, hoping that this is the end of the road for you sweetie...

Thalia said...

congratulations, sarah, this is wonderful news. By the way, the fact that you've seen a heartbeat as early as 6 weeks puts you immediately into a low risk category for miscarriage - thought you'd like to know that!

RTTguapa said...

oh oh oh this amazing!
i don't want to be premature about this development but congratulations!

i know it's scary but try to soak up the hugeness and the greatness of this pregnancy - you deserve to feel every ounce of joy it brings!

take care! just reat up, it's going to be fine!

TeamWinks said...

That's wonderful news! What a sigh of relief...another hurdle down!

TeamWinks said...

OH,and for the record, your mom is so sweet!

Ann said...

Hi Sarah, I'm new to your blog, and I have to say that people like you inspire me. I'm so glad you saw the heartbeat! Quick question for you: If you had to go back in time (not knowing that IVF would get you pregnant, of course), would you skip the IUIs and go directly to IVF?

Sarah said...

Ann, I couldn't find your email address on your profile so I'm just responding here.

No, I think we needed to do the IUI's. Partly becuase we just didn't know if they might work, but mostly because I think I had to go through those failing before I was ready to accept IVF. But I do wish I hadn't wasted so much time avoiding IVF. I wish I had just been willing to do it as soon as my RE said it was our best option, instead of wasting a whole year putting it off. But the year off was good for me and my marriage too. I think we have to take each step as we're ready for it. But definitely the hardest thing about IVF for me was just accepting we had to do it. Once you get there, taking each step at a time, the actual process is not that big of a deal. That's my experience anyway.

Marie-Baguette said...

Yeah, that's great news! Thank you for your messages on your blog. Regarding your little belly, I recommend you get the Bella Bands... so comfy!

dark ages said...

Precious Sarah, this is WONDERFUL, FABULOUS, MARVELOUS, AWESOME news!! Thrilled for you!!! Your caution is understandable, but there's no mitigating the feelings of a m/c, so embrace every moment of this news with unbridled joy, if you can. Karma, shmarma - like lil sis, M and J, you're a natural parent, even if the process getting you there isn't, oh! and you're wonderful and funny and everyone going thru this is so lucky to benefit from your generous, articulate journey - and vice versa. I am in awe.

Venusuvian Debs said...

Crying, laughing, crying, laughing - that's it in a nutshell tonight. After reading Kirsten from Blonde Ambitions blog: http://ked00.blogspot.com/index.html I had a heart wrenching cry and then seeing your pic of rice, I had to lol. Along with the worry which is inevitable (I think all pregnant woman feel at least some fear) I hope you get to do a little enjoying too.

My Reality said...

Woo-hoo!! A heartbeat!!

You aren't dealing with infertility because of anything you have done, you just got a shitty hand.

I hope the rest of the ride is smooth for you.

LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

Hi, I just found your blog through one of your comments on another IF blog. I wanted to tell you that my fingers are crossed that everything proceeds well and uneventfully in this pregnancy and that I will check in regularly to say hello and wish you all the best!

ellie said...

I know we all live in fear of the next 2-3 weeks and I am sure my blog did nothing to relieve any fears that are rumbling around in your head. If something were to go wrong it has nothing to do with the kind of person you are- or anything you have done- and really there isn't much you can do to control what happens over the next few weeks- and worrying about it- just takes up extra cycles.

A heartbeat is a really really good sign- and you deserve to rejoice that you are indeed pregnant.
Stay in the moment-- it's worth it just to experience every single day of it. It's a cool process and I am keeping my fingers crossed that all goes smoothly for you!