June 28, 2007


Thanks Rachel, for the tag! The Polarity Meme is 10 things you hate followed by 20 things you love. In no particular order...

10 things I can't stand
1. inconsiderate, disrespectful people (i'm with Rachel on that one)
2. chain restaurants like applebee's and bennigans
3. the mainstream news media. why do they not tell us what is actually going on in the world? if they have time for stupid celebrity gossip (totally NOT news), they could seriously be talking about the world beyond the atlantic and pacific coasts
4. Wal-Mart (how is it target can be so much better for the same prices?)
5. racism, discrimination, and prejudices. the world is not fair and we can't do much about it. at the very least we can treat each other fairly and with respect.
6. dusting
7. selfishness. from butting in line to people who don't recycle. we make our world what it is in everything we do, from the smallest gesture to the grandest acts. we all have a responsibility.
8. other people's food noises, esp if they're lip smackers or chew with their mouths open. GROSS!
9. poor grammar drives me INSANE!!
10. the bush administration

20 things I love:
1. travel. esp new places.
2. when the plane takes off
3. or going by train
4. the ocean
5. thunderstorms
6. ALL kinds of foods
7. walking around my hometown (DC)
8. camping (more the idea than actually doing it)
9. local fairs, the kind with funnel cake and those questionable rusty old ferris wheels
10. fresh fruit pie. okay all kinds of pie. all kinds of dessert, really.
11. old movies. esp bogart and bacall. i love those moody scenes where someone's smoking under an awning on a hot rainy night with the wet pavement steaming all around. so cheeze, but i love it.
12. gin and tonic. or vodka tonic. mojitos, bloody mary's..shit it all sounds good to me right now. beer, wine, even fruity island drinks have their place.
13. cities. at night, with all the lights. gives me so much energy.
14. shady pool halls with nothing but cheeze whiz on the menu and guys named "road kill*" at the bar, or upscale martini bars with sparkling decor and even more sparkling clientele (the latter only in moderation)
15. going to the movies with my sweetie. we give a thumbs up or down to all the previews.
16. the first lightening bug of summer (i just saw it!)
17. juke boxes. love pretty much ALL kinds of music, but very particular at the same time.
18. the first perfect days of fall
19. cooking
20. how Jack shakes his butt when he's excited (jack the dog, that is)

I tag Reproductive Jeans, Sticky Bun (even though she is too busy), and Adrienne

*i really did have a bar buddy named road kill at the now-defunct crow bar in downtown DC. he was a 40ish biker who would come in to shoot pool and mainly kept to himself but loved to show me pictures of his little daughter. i guess that would have bugged me during the IF years but this was ages ago.

June 25, 2007

Pink is the New Room

NEVER would have thought i'd have a pink room anywhere in my home, probably not within a few miles if i could help it. i was never a girly-girl and never wanted to reinforce those sterotypes, but knowing it's a girl has done weird things to me. suddenly all the pink things in the baby departments look wonderful. very strange.

you might think we've gone nuts putting together a baby girl nursery in record time, but all that furniture and the hand-me-down toys had to come over last week when my sister moved, so really it was just painting. note that i went for the palest, least pink choice possible. but i have to say i love it. i'm hoping that eventually i can begin to imagine someone living there. i guess going pink is the first step in that direction.

i'm doing better with my sister's move. i went a whole day without sobbing and only got slightly teary when i had to order just one cookie at mrs. fields in the mall. that felt almost as weird as oohing over fluffy pink baby blankets. two huge elements of my life, both solidly in place for the last 5 years, are suddenly turned inside out at the same time. it's like i'm living someone else's life.

the sister part has me thinking of infertility in a way i haven't in years. at some point around year 2-3 i just went numb. i quit hoping for two lines, much less imagining a baby in our future. and it got a lot easier. sometimes it still stung, but for the most part i just detached from it. i quit thinking about how unfair it was. it was just my reality. but now that i'm so keenly aware of what i won't get to share with my sister (at least not in quite the same local way), i find myself feeling cheated. if it had worked for us back when we first started trying, our girls would have been only a year and a half apart instead of six. they would have spent the past four years next door to each other. and i would have had the best mom in the world living right next door to show me the way. at least she trained me well while she was here.

i do feel very grateful that IVF worked for us and i hope this doesn't sound extremely insensitive to everyone still trying. i could have far worse problems than being pregnant five years later than i had hoped to be, but today i'm feeling sad about that. it's just that same old deal we all know too well: infertility sucks on many levels. i'm going to go sit in my pink room and get over myself. i'm so touched by all your heartfelt congratulations on the anatomy scan. i'm thinking of so many of you and hoping for good news.

June 24, 2007

It's a...! (the anatomy scan)

...Well, see for yourselves. First here's a full picture of the baby from the level II ultrasound:
All the anatomy looked good: two kidneys, four heart chambers, appropriately sized cerebellum and other brain parts, healthy spine, limbs at the right length, hands/feet all had five little fingers/toes (very cute). They estimated the weight at 7 ounces which is right on track. The scan took about half an hour with the sonographer and then the perinatologist came in and took another quick look.

Here's the face (lower right corner, lying sideways):
The top of the head is to the right, the two dark circles are eyes and the bright white area is the palate.

I feel a little odd about posting pictures of fetal poontang on the internet, but all the sonograms I had seen on other blogs really helped me understand what I was looking at the whole time.

In the top picture, there's a tiny arrow pointing to a couple of white lines in the upper right quadrant. These are the girl parts, so this is not just a case of there not being boy stuff. Below the arrow you see the left thigh. The second picture is more of a butt shot, with her girly bundle in the middle. So there you have it, a baby girl.

This was predicted by my 5 year old neice. I had a dream last week that everyone thought the baby was a girl, except for my neice who was certain it was a boy. In the dream, I went to the scan and she was right: boy. The next morning I told her about the dream and she said: "Umm (being delicate with me), I don't think that dream was right. I think it's a girl. Maybe everyone else thinks it's a boy." Later she drew me some pictures ("moving cards" she called them), before she left for Boston. There was one for me, one for J, one for our dog Jack, and one for the baby. Inside the baby's card, she drew a family portrait. It showed me, J, the big sister (the one that's in the belly now, she says), and two little babies (twins!). She drew herself next to the big sister holding hands (because she's coming to visit). We can only hope to be so lucky.

June 19, 2007

Wednesday (Clever title, I know)

Thanks so much for all the nice comments yesterday. The moving truck is still here so unfortunately moving day drags on. Not that today would have been all better anyway. Whatever, I'm tired of crying about it. It's like one of those heart wrenching breakups where you know things are unfolding as they should, but you're still just so sad and you can't imagine ever not being sad. How many of those have I had that I never thought I'd see the end of? By this afternoon my nephew's nursery furniture will be all moved in here and I hope the sight of it brings me a little joy mixed in with the sadness. Thank gawd I have the level II ultrasound to look forward to tomorrow. I'm hoping it brings us lots of reason for joy and excitement. I told my husband I need a happy project to distract me IMMEDIATELY to fill the void so we may paint the nursery this weekend if all looks good at the scan.

Cibele gave me another distraction in the meantime. This would also be a fun little game for those in the 2ww (sending some love to Tammy). So, what you do is google "[your name] needs" and post the first 10 things that come up. So I googled 'Sarah needs' and this is what I got...

Sarah needs a cold shower
Sarah needs you (the blogosphere, i assume. and i do!)
Sarah needs us
Sarah needs to hand him one of those weapons that went off without warning (yikes!)
Sarah needs to skip through all the blogs listing their 'Sarah needs' findings in order to see what else Google comes up with (hahaha, this is how common my name is! not only do i get a bunch of other 'sarah needs' blog posts--i skipped over them--but i even get a post about how there are already so many sarah needs posts!)
Sarah needs your manly vote (ummm....?)
Sarah needs your help
Sarah needs to blog more (i doubt anyone was thinking this)
Sarah needs to play
Sarah needs to kick him in the nuts (sorry hun, you know the pregnancy hormones make me crazy!)

Thanks to Serenity and all the Boston bloggers who promise my baby sis has good things to loook forward to up North. I look forward to visiting!

I Hate Today

Any minute now there will be a moving truck out front. They came yesterday and started packing up my sister's house. Today they'll come back and pack up the truck. Then they'll just drive away, with my sister, her husband, my 5 year old neice and 2 year old nephew following behind. I've mentioned they live next door. Did I tell you we're in row houses, literally attached? We're practically in the same building.

Very short list of things I will miss:
- At least once or twice a week, spending the better part of the day with them, having lunch, running errands, dragging the kids around the mall, etc.
- Seeing my neice and nephew almost every day. How she calls me Saradee and he calls me Sah.
- Passing stuff we share over the deck, like when we need extra chairs or dishes for parties.
- Passing the kids over the deck for a visit.
- Knowing exactly who to call if I need to "borrow" some salsa.

Partial list of things that haven't even happened yet but I miss already:
- Maternity shopping with my sister.
- Shopping together at the baby store so she can tell me all the important stuff you only learn from experience.
- Decorating the nursery together.
- Letting my neice feel the kicks when they get strong enough.
- Cashing in on all that free babysitting I invested in the last five years.

Moving day sucks.

June 13, 2007

4 Months

A couple of random thoughts at this stage:

* Funny how in the beginning of pregnancy time seemed to move so slowly. Every day dragged on forever, full of fear and waiting for bad news or to find out it was some weird delusion. Now it feels like it's flying by. I can't believe it's been four months already. November still seems like a long way away, but in another three and a half weeks I'll be halfway through. I think it helps that time always seems to move a little faster in the summer.

* The second trimester has definitely been the happy stage. Weeks 5-10 were the worst, even though I didn't really have morning sickness or get nauseous, I just felt crappy all the time. Now my appetite is back and most of my energy (although I could easily still nap a few hours each day and sometimes do). The fear is pretty much gone now too, although sometimes I catch myself thinking maybe I'm a tremendous idiot for letting it go.

* While I'm enjoying being pregnant much more now, I am pretty uncomfortable. I've mentioned that I had to move into maternity clothes early on and that I'm huge already. People are still taken aback that I'm not due until late November and ask me things like "Are you sure you're not further along than you think?" and "Are you sure there's only one in there?" Sometimes if they're particularly irritating about it (especially if they've rubbed the belly while saying these things) I may snap back with something like "We saw it happen in the dish. I am sure." and that usually shuts them up. I think part of it is the weight I put on during stims. People keep telling me this is the time to eat ice cream and not worry about it, but it makes me nervous that I'm this uncomfortable already, I really fear what lies in store. I have signed up for prenatal yoga and a water aerobics class so I hope that helps.

* I have bcome a total idiot. The fetus is leaching away all my brainpower. I forget really important things, I bump into stuff all the time, and when I type my letters come out all out of order. I'm not smart enough anymore to even express this very well or remember many of the absurdly vacuous things I've done lately as examples. I just looked up vacuous because I got totally confused for a second that I was using the wrong word. I'm aware that I'm not keeping it all together and I don't even care much.

* The stroller business is just insane. The models, the options, the variety, the prices...it's overwhelming. Picking out a car is easier.

* Staying hydrated is a serious challenge. And I used to be a really good water drinker. My doctor has had to lecture me that my pee should never be brighter than the sun.

* Since that first movement I felt a couple of weeks ago things stayed quiet until just the past few days. I've found that if I lie on my stomach, pressing on my uterus, I can feel the little flutters. I guess in a couple of weeks I will be able to feel them without lying on the baby, which is good because I'm not going to be able to do that for much longer.

* In less than 10 days I will know the gender. Or not. But at least I will get to see what's going on in there again!

June 9, 2007

Picture Pages

I love the Picture Pages idea Reproductive Jeans and My Reality have put together, but since they are running into issues with storage space and since I've been pretty public with my infertility, IVF, and blog, I decided to post mine here and save the Picture Pages cache for those not out of the IF closet. You can see everyone else's Picture Pages on Google Groups after following JJ's sign-up instructions here. I love seeing all your pictures and how they reveal that there is so much more to your lives than infertility. Here's a bit of my life beyond IF (click for larger images)...

First, Here I am with Jack:

A better one of just my pup:

And here are I am with my wonderful husband J. We're stuck in an airport in this photo, about two years old. It's a good "us" picture because we love to travel (meaning lots of quality time together in airports):

This is our favorite picture of us, before we were married, in the good old days when we lived downtown, playing pool with our buddy Lewis (we reenacted this picture with the guy who married us a few years later, it's pretty funny because he has the same surprised laugh on his face as Lewis does here):

This is our wedding:

And where we honeymooned (Pinks Sands on Harbour Island, Bahamas, a tiny island smaller than central park):

This is my squeeze as a babe, I hope ours looks just like him:

Here's a picture I love because his love for me really shows. Not just the cute look he's giving me (he always looks cute to me), but because he got up early in the morning to volunteer at this race to support me, when he is the furthest thing in the world from a morning person:

This is my absolute favorite thing in the world. She is my 5-year old neice and she lives next door to me (but only for the next two weeks, very very sad). In this photo (about a year old) I am tossing her up in the air. In the original you can see her mom in the background giving me that "you're getting her all wound up" glare (I get that a lot):

This charming picture of her was taken in Central Park and makes her look so small and sweet and childlike which is a good reminder to me that she IS only five because her personality is so ginormous compared to her size:

This is her baby brother, who is giving up his nursery furniture for us (kind of a crappy cell phone pic but I just love it, is he not the cutest little guy ever? mopping floors at krispy kreme...ummm..donuts...):

Here is what I think is so wonderful about kids; in the chaos of a NYC street, she stops to examine a flower:

This is my favorite place I've traveled (not this veg stand per se, but Buenos Aires in general):

Here is where we're going in August (yes I know it will be bloody hot and I'll be 7 months pregnant, but we're going. so there). The OBX:

This is what I always say is my fave photo of me because it's blurry enough I can imagine I am cute (plus I appear to have cleavage which actually did not exist until a few weeks ago). It's a fun reminder of a good time out with my GFs (that is my sister, best friend, and soon to be not-next-door neighbor to my right, but I have cropped her out with respect to the drunken visage she may not want shared):

But this one of me drunk on my anniversary last year is probably more the real me:

June 8, 2007

First Purchase

Okay, I FINALLY went ahead and bought something baby related. I got this cool print for the nursery from Land of Nod. It's kindda hard to tell from the picture, but it's an alphabet with a different city around the world for each letter (Agra, Bangkok, Cairo, Dakar, Edinburgh, etc...)
I still have two weeks before we find out the gender at the anatomy scan, but I just love this and can easily plan either a boy or girl or completely neutral decor around it.

It took until the second trimester for it to really sink in that I was pregnant, but it still feels more like something that's just happening to me; a strange physical condition causing all the various symptoms. I am really enjoying it now, but find it very hard to think of this condition resulting in a separate little human being; even after seeing it bounce around at the NT scan, it's still impossible for me to imagine bringing home a baby. At some point in the last five years I turned off that ability to envision a baby in our lives and instead began to just focus on each little step in the cycle. Once I quit thinking of each step as another failure/success in making a baby, it all became so much easier to deal with. Each step carried much less weight.

So now each step brings us closer to being able to envision a baby in this house. J started clearing out the dorm room and next week we'll have a crib in there. I'll figure out where to hang the new print, and a week later the rest of the furniture will arrive. By the end of that week, we'll have the full anatomy scan and find out the gender. At some point it will surely begin to seem real...

Have a great weekend everyone.

June 1, 2007

I loved Bumble's post about buying the little romper for Sureshot and how she brought it home to Mr. Bumble and they both got all teary and emotiomnal and it made it all real for them. This seems like a great idea considering it can be a little difficult to believe in after all the years of disappointment, so I thought maybe I'd give it a try, but still haven't gotten around to it. However, I did get our first gift of baby clothing, this adorable red and white dotted stocking cap from Baby Gap:
My sister found it on the sale rack for 97 cents so clearly it had to be purchased. The due date is about one month before Christmas so it will be a fabulous holiday hat. And when I brought it home to J he did seem to get a little choked up. Of course then he tried to put it on the dog and wear it around himself but there was a tender moment in there somewhere. So cute. I can't wait to have a nursery to put it in.

About that. We have two empty bedrooms. One is the guest room and one sat empty for years as the future nursery. When J quit working a year and a half ago to go to school full time, I snuck in that empty room one day and set up a dorm room for him, complete with girlie pictures from Maxim and all sorts of other testosterony stuff. It became his sanctuary. But it's gotta go. He is done with school for the summer, but finishes up his last three classes in the Fall. We're going to have to share an office for that last semester. I'm just waiting now for him to get motivated to move stuff out so we can start getting the nursery ready. It has to be empty in about two weeks when the nursery furniture arrives. My sister, who is also my next door neighbor, is moving to Boston :(((( and she's decided to hand down her 2 year olds' nursery furniture to us rather than move it and have to sell and replace much of it soon anyway. So I guess we'll have a nursery soon enough. It's been a long time coming! I'll post pictures as it comes along. Happy weekend everyone!