September 5, 2007

Entering the Third Realm (NOT in the meditative sense)

Phew, work has been INSANE lately! I've missed all the blogs and look forward to catching up with you all; no doubt it's going to take a while! Thanks to those of you who emailed to check in on me. Things are fine, just working my ass off and haven't had time to update. Here's what's happened in the last few weeks:

I had a minor terror when I got one of those annoying emails announcing that I was about to enter my third trimester and better make sure I have a car seat ready, etc. I was NOT ready for that! Logistically we are very ready. Car seat is ready, nursery is ready, any last necessities could be purchased last minute if need be. Even though I know the third trimester can stretch on seemingly forever, I wasn't mentally ready to accept that I was there.

That weekend my sister came for her week-long visit culminating with my baby shower. The shower was amazing, like a dream party from a magazine or something, everything gorgeous and coordinated and perfect (can you even believe the cake she MADE? of course it matched everything AND was delicious). But the best part was having them here for the week; my sister and her two kids. It was busy and flew by way too fast, but it was so great too. And then the shower...I can't believe how many people showed up and all the fabulous stuff they gave us! It was quite a haul, and since I'm pretty much the only childless person I know, all these experienced moms gave me really great useful stuff. It was a bit overwhelming, but wonderful too.

Then a weird thing happened. Somehow over the course of spending the week with my sister, then the shower, and then putting away all the great gifts I sort of got a little excited. Like we might actually have a baby and it might actually be really cool. I've been making these tiny steps away from utter refusal to hope and believe (thanks, infertility), but this was definitely a HUGE step. All those people who showed up at the shower didn't seem to be playing along with this imaginary pregnancy in my delusional mind; they actually seemed to think it was real and they all seemed so excited about it. And the crazy thing was, that didn't seem odd to me for a change. It was finally real to me too.

They say you need your first trimester to accept the fact that you are pregnant, your second to convince you that there is an actual baby in there, and the third to make you actually want to push it out. Maybe infertiles arrive a little late to each level of acceptance, but the good news is we get there! I'm working my way towards that third one now. These days having the baby in utero seems pretty damn convenient. I take her with me everywhere I go (hands free!), feedings are taken care of, diapering is a non-issue, and it hardly makes much difference whether she sleeps. There are no hours-long crying jags in the womb.

I am of course eager to meet her and hold her and play with her, and I LOVE babies, but I just know too much about what lies ahead. I have seen the dark side, when things get really difficult after a few weeks, babies have a colicky or fussy stage, moms are sleep deprived, breastfeeding is a struggle, and a million little daily challenges drain the life out of you. All around the time I'll be expected to start paying attention to work again and my husband, finished with school at the end of this semester, will start a new job. I know we'll get through it and the highs will outweigh the lows (at least in time), but if there's one thing infertility has taught me its to expect the worst and hope for the best so I guess I'm just preparing myself.

So for now my feeling is, bring on the pain and misery and discomfort of the third trimester. That's the only thing that's going to make me want to push this baby out!

16 comments:

Rachel said...

You are doing better than me. I enter the 3rd trimester next week and nothing has been done to the nursery. We own a crib but it isn't set up.

I do have the car seats so I guess if the baby comes early we can bring him home but he'll have to sleep in his car seat.

The cake was beautiful.

Queila said...

Congratulations on your shower!
I know exactly what you mean. Somedays I want her out so badly and yet others I want her to saty in forever! :)

Q

Reproductive Jeans said...

Ohh shower time! I am sure it was a great time=)
Congrats on the 3rd trimester! Exciting times!

Kate said...

Oh, that cake. It. is. beautiful. I am seriously salivating just looking at it. Your sis is a star.

I had my first "I am actually excited" moment at a baby store a few weeks ago. My eyes scanned through the baby clothing racks, and I realized that I may actually get to use some of these tiny clothes soon. I literally teared up I felt so happy. I have gone back and forth since--being excited, then impatient, then fearful, but I keep thinking back to that moment to remind me of that amazing feeling.

And yes, those first few weeks (months?) can be pretty hellish, but you will also find plenty of moments of complete awe and amazement and peace and overwhelming love.

Adrienne said...

Congrats on the shower! And enjoy the third trimester - I loved feeling Max move around in there and was almost a little sad when it ended.

Becks said...

This is so exciting for you. I bet you keep pinching yourself. Sounds like you have had a great time celebrating and the cake is just beautiful.

Valerie said...

So glad you are starting to enjoy and believe that a real live baby is coming home with you,I am glad you had a wonderful shower. It sounds like it was a good time.

My Reality said...

I am glad all is well! I hope you enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and get mentally ready to push her out!

Sticky Bun said...

Great to hear from you! And, I'm so glad to hear that you're doing so well and starting to get excited. And, from what I understand (which is admittedly very little), by the time the day comes, you'll be Rea-dy!

ps--I can't believe your sister made that cake. Fabulous...

Nearlydawn said...

Congratulations on really feeling like a Mom-to-be! So exciting!

Tinker said...

Oh Sarah, it sounds like a wonderful week. And how amazing that the reality of it all is truly becoming tangible.

As for all the new baby stuff (sleep deprivation, millions of diaper changes, incessant feedings) it is temporary, and not only temporary, but actually a very tiny amount of your baby's life. It'll all be just fine.

Tam said...

So good to hear from you again, been wondering about you. Glad that things are still going well, can't believe it's not long now until your little girl is here!!

Glad you had a good shower, that cake looks divine!!

AshPash said...

Wow, your sister rocks! That cake is a work of art! It's nice to see a new post from you. Yes, this is the real thing mom...you are so close and we are all anxiously awaiting meeting your little gal. Take care.

peep said...

How exciting. I know about the difficulty with accepting. Sometimes I ask my husband if he thinks it's a bad sign that I can't picture myself pregnant. Not sure how I will handle it if it ever happens. It's good to see you've made the adjustment before the baby gets here. Good luck.

tipsymarie said...

So happy for you. You've waited so long for this! Your sister is so talented. It is a beautiful cake.

KarenO said...

I'm so very happy things are getting exciting for you - you're almost there! I'm also glad your shower was so beautiful and full of memories to last a lifetime. You've been waiting and dreaming about it for so long - you deserve something so special!