June 21, 2008

100

Alone at home with a sleeping baby and an icy gin and tonic - finally a moment to get to this post which has been in my head for long enough that it's now just sort of a mess. I never thought I'd be typing post #100 while an almost 8-month old baby slept in her crib upstairs. MY 8 month old baby! Course if I'd been posting at all regularly it wouldn't have taken me a year and a half to get to 100 and that wouldn't have been the case. But still.

Funny how I feel compelled to say something meaningful with 100. The main thing in my head is just how weird and unexpected it's all been. When I started blogging I was heading into my first IVF cycle. I was sick to death of babydust and the ttc boards and finally discovered Julie. I think I read her blog from start to the latest post in about three days. My husband kept checking on me since I was glued to my computer well into the wee hours. After a year of failed IUIs interspersed with delays and another year off, and having read Julie and then all of Tertia, I fully expected at least 4 to 6 goes at IVF with major bumps in the road along the way, quite possibly never finding success. I could not even begin to imagine being pregnant, much less having an infant of my own. I had long since grieved anything happening "the old fashioned way" and had been ready to adopt for some time (trying IVF first was more important to J).

If you had told me back at post #1 that I would have a baby within the next 100 posts I would have laughed my ass off and then perhaps decided not to be your friend anymore. I certainly could not have begun to fathom it. Granted it's been over a month since my last post so I've arrived at 100 rather slowly, but you get the idea. I was jaded, cynical, with the lowest possible expectations, and it served me very well. It was all so much easier once the hope was gone. Never thinking of the "end game" (I couldn't even say pregnancy, much less baby). It still doesn't seem real; feels much more like a strange and wonderful dream (although caring for a baby feels incredibly real 24/7). I look at her and I can't connect what I see to the experience of how she arrived...

At the baby disco (six months)...


Out to dinner at a restaurant fancy enough that there was no changing table in the restroom (hurray!)...


First day at the pool (seven months)...


She still practices the back float on occasion...


On the plane to Boston...


Showing off her dimple in Boston...


Beboppin to John Coltrane over breakfast at Starbucks just yesterday...


First ice cream cone, also yesterday (these almost belie what a challenging day it was!)...


Happy 100 to me. It was all so worth it. Every shot, every dollar, every time I insisted on continuing despite the vast expanse of pure white in the window of another peestick foretelling failure. And that from the anti-hope poster child. You just never know how things will go.