January 14, 2009

"When I Was Big..."

When my sister and I were about 8 and 10 years old and we talked about all the "cool" big kid stuff going on in our lives, our little cousin who was about 3 would say: "When I was big, I did such and such too..." Charming in a 3 year old. Not so at 30-whatever.

I was out with girlfriends and a conversation about pregnancies arose. Even still the topic is usually avoided, either because friends have been scarred by the years of it being too raw and difficult or because they just don't want to invite my latest ramblings about IVF and other circumstances they'd rather not have to think about (and who can blame them?). But tonight was different. The topic came up, and as if it were the most natural thing in the world I said: "When I was pregnant with Piper..."

My words rang in my head later that night in the bath. I kept looking down at my toes (in severe need of a pedi) poking up out of the water. I knew it was me but it felt like I must have been invaded by some other person's consciousness. Me? Pregnant? My fertile friends might say the better question is why is it so hard to imagine? I gave birth for the lord's sake! Has it been too long? Has mamahood killed those brain cells? Or is it because the before part, the infertile years, were so much longer? Pregnancy flies by in the blink of an eye, so maybe even fertile types feel this disassociation with it. But tonight I talked about it as if it were the most normal ho-hum, it could happen to anyone sort of event. Friends and family would rejoice to think I'm finally letting go of all that infertile crap, but now on the eve of this next cycle is not the time!

I guess what this comes down to is that it's a little odd being a mom and an infertile at the same time. It happens that way for lots of people but from the vantage point I held for several years those two things were always worlds apart. All my defenses against the most grueling parts of cycling are built around my non-mom status. Piper has opened my heart back up and I don't want it to be broken again.

Better start building my new fortress now. The bitch showed up today. Lupron check on Sunday and if all's clear I'll start stims Sunday or Monday.

8 comments:

serenity said...

I like to think that, if J and I ever decide to cycle again, the pain of IF will be dulled just a little bit. Because for so long, I was so scared that I'd NEVER be a mom. And now I am.

(Now, that's not to downplay the crap that is cycling again. Every time I think about doing it all over AGAIN - meh. I just can't even consider it at this point.)

I think what I'm trying to say is yeah, cycling and IF totally SUCKS. But hopefully if, g-d forbid, this cycle doesn't work, then maybe it won't break your heart as much. Or as hard.

I'm hoping tho that you won't NEED to build defenses this time around.

xx

Coffeegrl said...

Ugh. The whole TTC the second time around. There's no way around the fact that it could be disappointing (I'm trying to gird my figurative loins for TTC again as well) but I'm hopeful that our experience the first time around makes us stronger, wiser, tougher - whatever it is we need to survive. I'll keep you in my thoughts....

My Reality said...

I am glad you were able to say "when I was pregnant . . ."

I hope you will be saying it again, soon.

Faith said...

Came over from Cyclesista -- looking forward to following your journey. We start stims tomorrow, too. Here we all go!!!

Kahla said...

Wishing you lots of luck with this cycle so that you can say, "since I'm pregnant"...

Maredsous said...

I think if it can happen once it can happen again. It is always great to hear success stories.

You kmow you responded and even if your body has changed a little how much really could it have changed?

All the best to you for this cycle!

Mrs G said...

I think that having been pregnant is surreal for everyone. I was looking at my shrunken stretch marks in the mirror just last night and saying to my husband 'Can you beleive my tummy was ever this big?' (holding my arms out to indicate the whale like proportions that I was during later stages of pregnancy).

Sarah said...

i think for me its more than just surreal. i still identify much more with "infertile" than "pregnant."