February 10, 2009

Blah

Nothing to freeze. I'm not surprised since we didn't have any last time either and this cycle has across the board looked less promising than the last. From follie counts to the fertilization report, basically every way you might measure it (other than the rescue ICSI), this cycle falls short. I generally have a vague sense of impending doom, which sounds gloomier than I feel. I just have no expectation this will work. I'm more in fear of the doom and gloom to come rather than experiencing it now. In fact most of the time I feel like this whole cycle hasn't really happened at all. Maybe it's because I've been keeping very busy, but it's gone by so fast and it just all feels so non-eventful compared to the first one. I can't make myself believe that I really went into the OR or they really put two embryos in. I don't feel even remotely PUPO. Every so often the possibility of twins causes me enough agitation to shake my blah mood, but I think of it only in very pragmatic terms (money, gear, bedrooms).

I think maybe this is just what 7 days past transfer feels like for me; I posted something similar last time. I think I was right back then that I have a harder time with the progesterone/estrogen phase than I do with the stims. Oh and speaking of PIO, here's something that didn't cheer me up at all: starting the day after my retrieval, all new cycles at my clinic are switching from PIO to crinone 3x/day. If I'd complained after that first shot when my nurse was out of the office I probably would have been switched. At this point I don't even feel like making the effort to call in another prescription and now that we're in the right spot it's not bothering me at all. The only part that bugs me is the idea that it's all for nothing.

11 comments:

mekate said...

Hi Sarah- I am sorry you did not get any to freeze, that is a blow and I know it.

I totally hear you about the feeling of impending doom-
but then again, things might just work out. Not sure if you were on line way back when but an IF blogger used to say "nothing bad has happened yet". And while that may not bring comfort exactly, I wish there could be some sense of 'at least not yet' to whatever we are dreading.

And gosh we are such a chemical soup from all of this hormonal craziness, everything for me feels magnified or distant, almost nothing in between. I wish you all the best, and crazy as it seems, I wish you more peace than dread as each day comes and goes--- but I know I would be in a complete tangle, so I don;'t have a leg to stand on. Thinking of you.

Rachel Inbar said...

Sorry you're feeling so glum. My fingers are still crossed for you (wouldn't that be a good excuse for not updating my blog for 2 months?).

I hope the rest of the 2ww goes quickly (and ends happily, of course).

Artblog said...

Bummer there's nothing to freeze! Hoping for you all the same. xxx

Kate said...

Thank you for posting--I've been wondering about the remaining lil fellas, and I am sorry none made it to the freezer.

I know I am treading dangerous 'baby-dust' waters here, but I am still holding hope for the two on board and counting the days with you.

My Reality said...

I hope you are so very wrong.

Grade A said...

Sarah,

Sorry about the freezer report. Those frozen embies are like knowing there is a little extra cushioning if you fall. I wish I could say something to bring you out of the land of gloom...I saw a recent post somewhere that said perfect cycles have ended up being negative and the most seemingly screwed up ones have ended up being positive...

Thinking of you,
Magsy

Red said...

I have my fingers crossed for you.

Myrtle said...

Sorry about not having any to freeze. And about the gloomy place you are in. I find that while I'm going through these treatments I tend to expect them not to work. It's like a self-preservation thing. And like mekate said, we are so sauced up on hormones how can we feel all cheerful and jubilant. I hope you are pleasantly surprised at the end of this!

Maredsous said...

Hang in their. Remember you thought the cycle was going to be cancelled and you got 15 eggs. That is amazing. I know it is tough not to have back up, but from reading your blog I would say everything looks great.

Keep your spirits up. Positive attitude. You are my inspiration.

Just think if you had lets say 8 to freeze and had already become pregnant this cycle. You would then feel compelled to get all 8 implanted in 10 months. Because that is the rational thing to do. Right.

I still think your cycle sounds perfect.

littlebitofsomething said...

i'm sorry to hear nothing made it to freeze. That just sucks. I hope you begin to feel a little less blue over the coming days. this wait is such a bitch. Hang in there a wee bit longer.

mekate said...

just sending warm wishes your way...