February 23, 2009

Doubling? Middling.

Beta today was 2641, just barely above the threshold they were looking for. Doubling time is 55.43 hours. A little slower than last time (48 hours on the same day) but I'm not worrying until I have something real to worry about. I remember it slows down as it increases, and this is in keeping with how everything else this cycle has been; ever so slightly less promising. They want me to come back for another beta on Wednesday before we schedule a scan. I'm not especially worried, I'm just not particularly enthused either.

This whole post-beta period has been so much easier than last time. I'm not walking around a nervous wreck, hovering on the edge of 20 different emotions all at once, elated and terrified at the same time. Maybe I've been too distracted with baby vomit and the stacks of work that are piling up (along with the dishes, toys strewn everywhere, massive barges of dog hair adrift on the sea of living room carpet...).

But mainly it's just not the same when that sense of total disbelief you will ever have a baby is gone. When I no longer believed anymore, the bfp only meant that surely something even worse than endless miles of negative peesticks was coming my way. I didn't really truly believe everything would be okay until several weeks after Piper was born. I definitely felt an immediate bond and indescribable love for her, but I held her and looked at her and thought this can't really be happening. She can't really be mine. I'm infertile, I don't have babies.

She's completely real now. Real as a crib full of baby puke (again this morning). Whatever happens next, my overwhelming thoughts are no longer all tied up in the outcome of this cycle. What rules my heart now is that I feel so extremely lucky to have her every moment of every day.

11 comments:

serenity said...

Well, my fingers are still crossed for you. Keep us posted, okay?

And you put it perfectly - "I'm infertile - I don't have babies."

I had the same reaction when I had that positive pregnancy test with Baby O.

Hope Piper's on the mend soon.

Valerie said...

My fingers and toes are still crossed too. I hope Piper is back to her old self soon.

My Reality said...

You know, once a beta level reaches over a 1000, it is perfectly normal for it to slow. The 48 hour doubling time is only accurate with numbers less than 1000. As far as I am concerned, it sounds pretty damn good!

Red said...

Hope things continue to go well with the cycle and things improve with Piper.

littlebitofsomething said...

i'm so glad to hear that things feel easier this time around. i'm sure having a real live little body to hold and laugh with and well, clean up after :) makes this road different in so many ways than it was before.

glad to see your numbers and good luck on wednesday!

Grade A said...

It sounds like you are in a pretty healthy place right now in terms of not letting stress and worry completely take over. How could it? You are too busy with baby puke to stress about the minutiae. Fingers crossed for a great next beta number and for Piper to feel better.

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stickybun07 said...

Wow...what a strange little advert in the comments.

3D sono aside, I'm glad the numbers are within the range and very sorry that Piper is still sick. I hope that she feels better and that you have a great next beta.

poppy.f.seed said...

That is a lovely comment about your daughter.
Beta sounds good. Once they reach a certain number,(over 2000) my clinic doesn't keep testing, since it can vary.

mekate said...

You sound so together- baby puke and all-- your numbers look great from where I am sitting- but I know what you mean about being neither enthused or despairing, it is a more watchful/waitful place.

I wish you calm in between the chaos, and a good beta tomorrow so you can schedule your scan.

hang in there and good luck with your little one who is under the weather still- that has to be hard.
warmly, kate

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