July 13, 2009

Note to Self & the Third Trimester

Dear Mothers of Teenage/Adult Children,
Please don't feel the need to stop me in Starbucks on a daily basis and tell me how fast the time goes and to enjoy it. I could cry about this all on my own on a daily basis, thankyouverymuch. The only thing stopping me from looking you squarely in the eye and telling you that after waiting five painful years for this you're damn right I appreciate every single moment and yes it is heartbreaking to feel it slipping so swiftly through my fingers is that I understand your compulsion is based on the little ache the passage of time has left in your own heart.

Dear Future Self,
Please try your best to resist stopping new mothers to tell them this. If they don't already know how how fast it goes or to appreciate their babies, your words would be lost on them anyway.

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I can't believe the third trimester started last weekend, and right on cue with the back pain, belly pain, leg pain, knee pain, etc. I'm feeling stretched and heavy and believe me, I wouldn't trade this status for anything in the world but it is starting to wear me down. I'm getting slower and I can't keep up with all the gardening I'd hoped to finish before anyone mentions the word bedrest. At the same time, things are getting busier. A friend pointed out the other day that if this baby arrives at 37 weeks like Piper did I have only 10 weeks to go. Holy shit! Two main things to get done:
- getting Piper's "big girl" room ready, so the transition isn't on her all at once when the baby arrives. There are already signs that this isn't going to be easy, like when I held a friend's baby recently and she promptly tried to swat it out of my arms. Or the major "no baby!" protest she put up when we went shopping for a gift for another baby. (Any advice on preparing a two year old for a sibling greatly appreciated!)
- ramping up my nanny search. The plan is to have a nanny start in the next month or two, again to ease Piper's transition, and have her ready when #2 arrives. One nanny is cheaper than two daycares and since I work from home, this would (ideally) allow me to nurse the baby on breaks from the office.

My blood pressure continues to spike, I've tested it as high as 146/85 at home, but it always goes down to the 120's or lower after resting. I see the MFM Monday and I'm almost certain he will recommend meds at that point, which my OB said he would be on board with. He was very skeptical that it would actually help which is why the OB practice hesitates to do it, but having been reassured that the right drug choice poses no serious risk, and certainly far less risk than IUGR, I don't see why we wouldn't at least give it a try. Especially since "bedrest" is hardly a realistic option with a toddler running around the house.

Nasty Glucose test Thursday. Wish me luck that I don't wreck my car after falling into a sugar coma on my way home.

Marmaduke*

I recently read this short story on the impact of infertility on relationships and enjoyed it so much I just wanted to share it (thanks Rachel).

I've been feeling so grateful lately for where our particular infertility experience has taken us and this story just reinforced those feelings. I have no idea what my marriage would look like today if we hadn't been so lucky with Piper. Now that she is here, I'm pretty sure we would have found our way through if it hadn't worked a second time, but I still can't believe our good fortune. I do still struggle with survivor's guilt but not as much as I did before Piper. It is important to me now to appreciate what we have and focus my attention there. I never want to feel like I've forgotten the struggle or left less fortunate friends behind, but letting go of some of the unfairness and "why me?" must be a part of my natural evolution in this process, of the sort I hope we all eventually find our way to one way or another. That may sound either very Pollyanna or shallowly asinine depending on your level of cynicism (or clomid dosage), but I'm damn glad to find out there does seem to be room for evolution for infertiles with a wide range of experiences and outcomes. I can't imagine living trapped forever in the prison of all the terrible feelings that dominated the first several years of our infertile experience. My heart aches for my friends who are still there.

*one of the names meaning "lucky" suggested by my sister after IVF #1, although i have not seen that given as the name meaning elsewhere so i suspect she was just trying to trick me into using it

July 7, 2009

And the confusion begins

Another nice scan at the MFM yesterday. No pictures though, the sonographer printed some but I think she forgot to give them to me. There was a nice profile shot too. Oh well. The upside to frequent checks with the high risk doc is plenty of pictures.

Everything was measuring on time (1lb 7 oz), and if this baby is going to drop off the growth curve like Piper did it isn't happening yet. Which makes sense since my BP is still normalish. The MFM noted the slight upward trend I mentioned at the last OB visit and asked why they don't have me on medication yet. So the confusion begins. I told him about the convo with the OB I saw last and he said I was absolutely right about starting medication BEFORE we see a problem. He strongly disagreed with her avoid-medicating-at-nearly-all-cost position but said let's give it four more weeks since all is well and then he will probably recommend to them to put me on medication. He also said to call if I ever feel like I'm not happy with what I'm being told at the OB practice.

So here I am again, feeling like it's up to me to make decisions I'm not qualified to make. But the OB I saw last time was also the one who screwed me all up with the previous pregnancy, and I only saw her because the doctor who we decided I should see exclusively (it's oh so intimate you know) was on vacation. When I'm back with my regular guy next week I'll talk to him about both visits and I feel very comfortable with his relationship with the MFM, and ultimately I have tremendous trust in the MFM and will defer to his advice. It makes a huge difference that he's gotten us safely through this once before so it does feel a bit easier this time. I can only hope the outcome is just as happy. So far so good.